Bread and Other Metaphors
by dufflecoat-supreme
Summary: An attempt at a humour fic, Cluka, because there is nothing funnier on this earth.


Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Carter's eyes lingered awhile on the hot Croatian buns before him, he sighed and thought of what he wanted to do to those buns, to knead them and bake them and maybe taste them.

_Stop thinking of these ridiculous metaphors_, he told himself, _It's never going to happen, Luka's got his fingers in every pie in this hospital, in fact he owns the bakery where they make the pies and buns!_

And it was true, for Luka liked to eat cake and lots of it.

He sighed girlishly and picked up another case. Genital warts: great, better than a cold shower.

Luka watched as Carter walk away from him, he bent sideways to check him out. _Not a bad little toosh_, he thought, for even though he liked cake he also liked baguettes, for he was not picky, he just really liked his bread, preferably buttered or maybe even dipped in oil and fried like a chocolate sandwich.

After a hard days work, both were leaving when they met in the ambulance bay.

"Hey Carter!" Luka yelled and the tall skinny man turned sharply, almost being knocked over by stray piece of floating paper.

_Must start working out again and stop with the Carby diet, my thighs aren't even that big anymore!_ he reminded himself.

"What is that you want Luka?" _You dreamy Croatian Sex Kitten_

I was wondering if you wanted to come over and watch...." _porn_ "the game tonight?"

"Oh gee, Luka, I sure would love that! I'll come by to watch..." _you rubbing oil all over yourself and belching like the man you are_ "the game, at around 7 tonight."

"I can't wait!" Luka smiled, wrinkling his nose in such a way that made Carter want to faint.

Luka left and Carter was suddenly left wondering what kind of game it was that they were watching: Twister? Risk? Hopscotch? It had been too long between interludes with the real world for our misguided Dr Carter, he needed to get himself a life, and, more importantly, the world's biggest contributor to the STD bank: Luka Kovac.

Turning up at Luka's house promptly and bearing such exotic gifts such as Cheetos and beef jerky, Carter was welcomed into the house with a leering smile.

"Nice to see you Carter, you look wonderful tonight and might I ask: what is that gorgeous manly cologne you're wearing?"

"You like it?" Carter grinned, "It's called 'The Scent of My Dead Gamma', I wear it everywhere I go, she makes me feel more like a man."

"Well, she was one herself." To which the both of them nodded emphatically, "The scent is driving me wild! I mean, I wish I could have a scent like that, my own scent is just not manly enough," he said sadly.

"Oh, but it is!" Carter replied lividly, "You smell like...beer and methane gas and sweat and big shiny cars and diesel and apricots!"

"Apricots?!" Luka cried.

"No, I didn't mean that! You don't smell like apricots at all, I was thinking of Pratt, what an awfully girly smell he has!" Carter said quickly and meekly, afraid to anger his Croatian God of Love and Hot Sweaty Sex.

"Yes, he does rather." Luka grunted huskily.

They sat and watched the game for half an hour, turns out the game was something called: Grid Iron, of which Carter had never heard of before.

Luka accidentally dropped the remote in to Carter's lap and when he reached over to get it, their fingers (and some other anatomy) met, Luka stared into Carter's eyes and he felt a connection, their fingers clasped around each other's, they stood up, in the back ground they could hear the announcer yelling "Score!"

Luka slipped out of his t-shirt, revealing one of the many objects of carter's fantasies, Carter giggled and blushed, and Luka started to sing "On The Good Ship Lollipop" which nearly drove Carter insane with lust.

Luka danced teasingly around the apartment, and finally was caught in Carter's arms.

Carter sighed, his hands drifting over Luka's exposed chest, Luka's nipples hardened and he whispered "Take me, take me now, but please, be gentle".

Carter let out a nervous titter, and he massaged his Croatian Monkey of Shag into ecstasy.

After wards Luka was returning the favour to his ever grateful lover by giving him a full body massage.

Luka whispered fervently to the all too attentive Carter as he massaged the essential oils into his pale skin, "Marry me and I'll never look at another stick insect again"

Carter turned to face him, his eyes brimming with tears, "Oh yes, Luka, yes I will marry you!"

A/N: This eventuated due a late night discussion on couple names at erhq. You know: Carby, Samka, Marsan, Marday etc, and I suggested Cluka and Red said: "Now there's an interesting couple I'd never like to see" and so I took that as a challenge and wrote it in about 20 minutes. Which is why it isn't very good. I have no idea what's going on with the bread thing.


End file.
